Youth's Educator For Home And Society

CHAPTER XXII.

ETIQUETTE OF VISITING.

HOSPITALITY is enjoined upon us by the teachings of sacred lore, and by the practice of all nations. Oriental hospitality is proverbial. In the far-off east the customs which were in vogue in the ages gone by, are found still in use, in all their primitive simplicity.

Each land, in our more modern ideas, has its own peculiar tenets of hospitality. An Englishman makes the guest within his domicile feel free to enjoy perfect freedom, and he gives him generously from his own abundance. The Frenchman, who loves conversation better than aught else, amuses his guest with an unlimited amount of talk, and regards the mere eating and drinking as a very small part of true hospitality. And we think he is right. For there must be something higher in life than the bare pleasure of the table, and if a host can only bestow the latter. how empty and unsatisfactory is a sojourn beneath his roof!

In ancient Greece hospitality was a part of their religion. The same sense of protection to a guest was felt among the ancient Romans. Coming down to our own times, we as a people, err on the side of kindness. We strive so hard to please and amuse our guests, that we are in danger of wearying them by the number and variety of amusements that we provide for them.

STATED TIME FOR VISITS.

Once the fashion was, when society had more of a free, off-hand character, and did not impose so many duties upon its votaries, to say to a friend – "Come and see me any time, and stay as long as you wish." But this is often the cause of much inconvenience. A friend who comes in upon you unexpectedly, may disarrange your plans by his inopportune appearance. Society regulates these matters better now, by adding to the invitation a stated time for the visit, as "Come next Monday, and remain with us a week (or month)."

MEETING A GUEST.

When you expect a guest send some member of the family to the railway station to meet him. Even though this may not be a first visit, your duty is the same in this respect. When they reach the house, give them a cordial welcome. Make them feel that the invitation was not an empty compliment. Show them to the room they are to occupy, and have every arrangement for their comfort made beforehand.

LENGTH OF VISIT.

The length of time consumed in a visit depends greatly upon the friendly relations between the parties, as also the distance the guest has come. A visitor of a thousand miles would be expected to stay much longer than one whose home was only twenty miles distant. The guest should at an early moment inform the hostess just how long will be the stay, and by this means, she will know what plans to form for entertaining. Besides, her own affairs may be seriously changed, if she is in ignorance as to how long a friend intends to remain. No one likes to ask how long another is going to stay, for it savors of inhospitality, and yet it is important to know.

BOTH INVITED.

It is well understood that an invitation to a wife to pay a visit includes her husband, and one to a husband is extended to his wife.

UNEXPECTED VISITS

If a visitor is invited to select his own time for a visit, it is only courteous for him to apprise his intended host beforehand when he will come. It is anything but pleasant to be surprised by his advent. It is quite au fait to "drop in" for dinner once in a while, but to come without warning to make a prolonged stay, is quite a different thing. Possibly at the very time chosen the hostess might have her house full, or might be preparing to leave home herself. So the plans for enjoyment may be disarranged or wholly laid aside by this unexpected coming.

INSINCERE INVITATIONS.

No one should invite another to make a visit, unless they sincerely wish their company. And it is unkind to ask people when you cannot make them comfortable. And it is very foolish to ask those who are accustomed to a much more elaborate way of living than you can offer them. A fashion of throwing general invitations in a careless way has a very insincere look. We once heard a lady say to another – "If ever you come my way, call and see me;" as if it were an ordinary walk before breakfast – they were only 1,000 miles apart. The emptiness of such an invitation strikes one at once. And yet it was given with the intention of being friendly.

OBSERVING EVERYTHING.

A guest should not see or hear everything happening in the house to which he has been made welcome. If he should by accident learn any family secrets, he will never appear to know them, and under no circumstances will he allude to them. This would be an unpardonable breach of hospitality. A guest will not order the servant to wait upon her, or ask questions of either children or help, or find fault with any service performed, or make remarks about the behavior of children.

HELPING THE HOSTESS.

In a family where a few or perhaps no servants are kept, it is very graceful on the part of a lady to offer to assist with any light work, and she should keep the room assigned to her neat, making her own bed. If not permitted to do this, she need not remain in her hostess' way, but can take a ramble around the place, or a short walk, until the bulk of the morning work has been performed, and her hostess has leisure to "visit" with her.

BE PUNCTUAL AT MEALS.

It is etiquette to be prompt at meals. It is usual for a host or hostess to say, "Our meals are usually had at such and such an hour," which allows the visitor an opportunity to so arrange her own time that she will be present at the meals. The aim of the visitor should be to make as little trouble as she can; to conform in every respect with the rules of the household, such as hours for retiring, rising, and having meals. Any little amusement will be agreeable to her, such as cards, games, etc. She should acquiesce in any plans formed for her amusement, and join in them to the extent of her strength.

KEEPING ONE'S ROOM.

It is a good plan to retire to one's room for a portion of each day, thus relieving the hostess of the task of entertaining. At the same time it is rude to seclude oneself for a long time; it looks unsocial, and as if you were indifferent to the efforts made to entertain you.

VISITING WITH YOUR HOSTESS.

When the hostess is invited out, it is expected that the visitor should accompany her. But it is not proper for the guest to make engagements or plan visits on her own responsibility. She is the guest of another, and should regulate her own conduct by the customs of the family of which she has become a temporary inmate.

GOING TO CHURCH.

"It is not now, as formerly, necessary that guests should accompany the family party to church, or vice versa. Perfect liberty is allowed in this matter, and each attends his or her customary place of worship. A friendly invitation to accompany them is always extended by the host and hostess, but with no expectation that it will be accepted, unless the guest prefers. It is, however, always a pleasant attention, especially to a stranger in town, or to an elderly lady, for one of the members of the family to accompany her to the church of her preference."

THE GENTLEMAN GUEST.

A gentleman can usually entertain himself at least a portion of the time, else he will be very much in the way. He can drive around the place, if the family have a horse; he can amuse himself by reading, looking over the garden; a solitary walk, or many other methods of filling in the time, will suggest themselves to him. And then most gentlemen have that never-failing solace, a quiet smoke. When his visit is ended, he should express himself as gratified at the visit, and on reaching home, should inform his friends of his safe arrival, once more thanking them for their hospitality, and inquiring after each member of the family.

YOUNG GIRLS VISITS.

Young girls have an idea that, because they are without any experience, their presence is useless to a friend in time of trouble or sickness. This is one of the greatest mistakes a girl can make. A woman turns instinctively to one of her own sex in the hour of sorrow or suffering. Her voice, her presence, a ready word of sympathy, are inexpressibly precious to her. By thus aiding, they can render themselves very dear to a married friend. You will also gain that insight into the heart which will add gentleness to your own natures, and stand in the place of experience or skill.

Another matter we would direct the young girl's attention to: Never from policy or convenience, visit or stay at the houses of persons whom you do not esteem. If you do, you give them the right to claim you as friends; for you assume the duties of a friend, without having the sentiments of one, and thus place yourself under obligations which you cannot discharge.

YOUR HOST'S FRIENDS.

Do not display your sentiments with regard to any friends of your host whom you may meet. Even if they are distasteful to you, conceal your dislike, and never criticise them, after their departure.

If, while visiting, you chance to break an article of bric-a-brac or anything else, replace it quietly without making any allusion to it.

URGING GUESTS TO STAY.

Do not tease a guest to prolong the visit beyond the specified time. Ask them kindly to remain, but do not persistently urge them. Let them understand that they are truly welcome, but do not become importunate.

MAKING PRESENTS.

The guest who feels prompted to make some member of the family a present, should bestow it upon the hostess or the youngest child.

VISITING THE SICK.

When visiting the sick, do not urge an entrance into the sick room. There may be many reasons why it is not wise to admit friends. Sick people are proverbially nervous, and the effect of even pleasant conversation, may be injurious to them. Call, and wait to hear how they are; but do not expect an invitation to their bedside, or feel hurt if you do not receive one.

THE MODEL HOSTESS.

The model hostess must unite a frank and generous nature with a calmness and serenity that are almost marvelous. She must be really fond of entertaining; her bounty must flow out with unstinted measure. She must be able to smile even though her. very soul is wearied beyond endurance. She must possess the rare gift of blending in one harmonious whole, the varying elements about her. To entertain must be a perpetual delight, and her good nature and friendly wit must gladden all who come in contact with her. Such a hostess never finds her invitations slighted, for to visit at her home is to be certain of enjoyment.

MAKE ALL GUESTS EQUAL.

Make no distinction in your treatment of the guests you are entertaining. They should be all equal for the time, and should all have an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of the humblest condition must receive full as much attention as the rest, in order that you may not make them feel their inferiority in point of station. Devote all the time you can possibly spare to the entertainment of your guests.

LEAVE- TAKING.

The custom in England is always to invite guests for a definite length of time, and when the limit of the visit is reached, the carriage is ordered and the guests are conveyed to the station or their homes, without any thought. of asking the guests to remain longer. To our less exact ideas this almost savors of a summary dismissal of a guest; and yet it is the most frank and proper way. A guest always receives a most cordial invitation to repeat the visit.

OVERSTAYING THE TIME.

Guests should be very careful not to overstay the time set for a visit. When the time comes to leave, the hostess may politely remark that she is sorry her guest must go. This is the least one could say with politeness; but do not allow yourself to remain on the strength of what is merely a compliment.

In this country it would be deemed very impolite to take a valet or a maid when going to pay a visit at a friend's house. In England or on the Continent a lady or gentleman would never think of going without them. Thus customs differ with different people.

PAYING A GUEST ATTENTION.

When a lady expects a guest for a visit, it is right that she should inform her circle of friends before her coming, that they may have time to call on her as soon as she arrives, and pay her such attentions as they may be inclined to. It is inhospitable to delay this, until the visit is almost concluded, as it gives but scant time to show her any attentions, and robs her of much pleasure she might have enjoyed.

VISITING IN THE COUNTRY.

The visitor at a country home must remember that the hours for rising and for meals is earlier than in the city, and adapt themselves to those customs They should not make too heavy demands upon the time of their hostess, for drives and excursions. All efforts to make her stay pleasant must be accepted with a thankful spirit.

And the hostess herself, whether in town or country must remember that "True hospitality consists in freely and cheerfully giving your visitor the best you have in the way of rooms, provisions, and other means of entertainment. Having done this, make no apologies because you have no better. Your general demeanor toward your guests will do more toward making them feel at home and enjoy their visit than any amount of grandeur and luxury. Devote as much time as you can to the amusement and society of your visitors, and let them feel, from your kindness and cheerfulness. that you enjoy their presence."