Youth's Educator For Home And Society

CHAPTER XVII.

THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY; TIMIDITY.

THERE is no more distressing sight than the timidity of the novice in society. One who is continually anguished lest he commit some blunder which will taboo him in the circle in which he is placed. Timidity and awkwardness go hand in hand. Is it not strange, too, that this bashfulness belongs more commonly to that sex to which women look for protection and strength of character? It is equally strange that few women are bashful, to the verge of awkwardness. No matter how modest or shrinking they may be by nature, they have ever an innate sense of the fitness of things, a happy blending of timidity and self-possession that puts them at ease.

This bashfulness has gone through life with some men. They, could not shake it off. It clung to them like a garment. Society is to such a prolonged torture, and its exactions become unendurable; and yet they realize more fully than the easy, comfortable, self-possessed man, the great benefits that mingling with their fellows will bring to them.

WHAT CAUSES BASHFULNESS?

From what does this bashfulness spring? From an inherent modesty that makes them shrink from contact with those whose manners are more polished than their own? We have always been of that opinion, but we see it affirmed that shyness is but another form of egotism; and the writer who makes this assertion, explains by saying that it is the egotism which leads one to think constantly of self, even though in a disparaging fashion. We believe this view a little uncharitable, and regard this shyness a sort of humility that prompts a young person of either sex to dread lest they be criticised unmercifully for their gait, their manners or their personal appearance.

ENTERTAINING A BASHFUL PERSON.

It is a painful task to attempt to entertain a very bashful person. One almost feels in their presence as if their own light-heartedness were but a form of coarseness, so fiercely will the blood rush to the face of such a person, at your well-intended sallies of wit.

COMPANIONSHIP NATURAL.

It is natural for men and women to seek companionship. And a bashful man is no exception to this rule. He feels that strong attraction quite as deeply as does the one who was never taken at a disadvantage in his life. The attrition of other minds, the seeking of fellowship is productive of good. It develops the social side of the nature, and puts the stamp of polish upon all we do and say. This contact teaches many useful lessons of forbearance and patience, without which human nature would be incomplete.

BASHFULNESS NO DISCREDIT.

It is not discreditable to be bashful. It is founded upon a native delicacy of feeling, which, properly trained, will expand into a manly gentleness. It is only the manifestation of it which is to be deplored. The young person who cannot enter a room without fancying all eyes are upon him, nor be spoken to without stammering and trembling like a leaf, is sure to become conspicuous through those very faults, and thus they become intensified.

GREAT MEN HAVE BEEN BASHFUL.

It is a matter of history that some of the world's greatest men have been exceedingly bashful. George Washington was timid in the presence of ladies when a youth, and yet he was one of the most courtly of gentlemen in after years. Both Sheridan and Curran were appalled at the sound of their own voices on the occasion of their maiden speeches. It is' related of Cowper the poet, that he could not pass any one on the road, but would make a detour through the fields, so much did he dread to meet strangers.

These examples are but a few of the many that may be gleaned from history, but show sufficiently that it is not the humble or obscure alone, who are afflicted with bashfulness.

PERSONAL OPINIONS.

"Young men often, through real modesty, put forth. their remarks in the form of personal opinions; as, with the introduction of, 'I think so-and-so,' or, 'Now, I, for my part, have found it otherwise.' This is generally prompted by humility; and yet it has an air of arrogance. The persons who employ such phrases, mean to shrink from affirming a fact into expressing a notion, but are accused of designing to extend an opinion into an affirmance of a fact." This is another form of bashfulness which must be conquered.

HOW AWKWARD!

The shy man is forever committing some blunder. He is either stepping on some lady's dress, or spilling water on his neighbor at table, or knocking down some fragile bit of bric-a-brac with those elbows of his that are in the way on all occasions. When he is presented to a lady, he colors up violently, and stammers out some inappropriate response, or unmeaning question. He is generally in a hurry, and if asked to take a lady in to supper, he drags her in as though she were a lifeless bundle, and sits during the meal, as silent as a statue.

MANNERS OBLIGATORY.

A knowledge of the code of manners, so earnestly desired, and anxiously copied, by the timid, are equally binding upon all who would move in good society. They are needed in all situations, and are found everywhere. Every race, every tribe, even, has its own set rules of daily conduct to which we must conform if we would dwell among them, These laws of etiquette need not be looked upon as disagreeable restraints to be fretted against and tossed aside at will. Rather are they protections against the encroachments of the rude, the thoughtless, and the ignorant. Then what wonder is it if the morbidly shy and retiring person looks with sincere admiration upon that ease of manner which his intimates display. How he envies the self-possession of the man who can enter a room full of people, without a tremor, and greet them calmly with no sign of being disconcerted. He would give much to be able to imitate him.

SELF-RESPECT AKIN TO HUMILITY.

It is said that true self-respect cannot exist apart from humility. If this be so, the bashful youth assuredly has much self-respect for the foundation of his shyness; a feeling which begets a due consideration for others, and a correct measurement of them. This respect, when directed aright, is productive of deference to superiors and especially to women. So the young man who enters society with a deep-rooted dread lest he be capable of some sin against its tenets, when he has trained himself to use that society as a means, not an end, will eventually become one of the brightest ornaments of the social circle, whom it will be a pleasure and pride to know. And one of the first steps to that training is to place himself under the tutelage of an experienced elderly lady, who will kindly help him to an understanding of what he should and should not do. There is no friend more useful to a beginner in society's ways than a gentle, thoughtful woman. And the young man who succeeds in enlisting the interest of such an one is certain of social success.

HOW TO CONQUER TIMIDITY.

What should the bashful man-do first in order to acquire self-possession? Forget self. He should not once think of how he is going to appear to others, or what he must say. He must enter a room quietly, and as if there were not another occupant. When he is addressed, he must try and collect his thoughts, and answer clearly and unconcernedly (of course, politely). Self-possession inspires confidence, and establishes a sort of free-masonry, which places people on an equal footing. There is no doubt that to a certain extent first impressions are lasting. And that is another strong plea for their being of an agreeable character. Emerson, who has written forcibly on this subject, in speaking of manners declares that, "When we reflect on their persuasive and cheering force: how they draw people together; how in all the clubs, manners make the members; how manners make the fortune of the ambitious youth; that for the most part, his manners marry him, and, for the most part, he marries manners; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets, what high lessons and inspiring tokens of character they convey, and what divination is required in us for the reading of this fine telegraph,– we see what range the subject has, and what relations to convenience, power and beauty. * * *

The maxim of courts is that "manner is power" A calm and resolute bearing, a polished, speech, an embellishment of trifles, and the art of hiding all uncomfortable feelings are essential to the courtier. * * *

Manners impress as they indicate real power. A man who is sure of his point carries a broad and contented expression, which everybody reads: and you cannot rightly train to an air and manner, except by making him the kind of man of whom that manner is the natural expression. Nature forever puts a premium on reality."

SELF-DEPRECIATION.

The shyness of some people arises from a fear that they may be thought inferior to those with whom they are associated. This fault can easily be corrected by asking – "Who is my superior?" and answering it thus – No one merely from the accident of position or circumstances. Only he is superior who is so by grandeur of character, noble deeds and lofty impulses.

And some again decline to make an effort to be polite and deferential lest they may be deemed servile. There is no servility in courtesy. Some strong, self-contained natures may set at defiance some minor social laws, but such natures would possess still greater influence, did they add the charm of good manners to their other good qualities. It is often asserted, as an excuse for some glaring deficiency in this regard, "But he's a rough diamond." But would not that same diamond be far more brilliant and beautiful if it were polished and cut?

SHYNESS BECOMES AWKWARDNESS.

When shyness is carried to excess, it degenerates into awkwardness. The feeling that you are about to do something clumsily, precipitates the very catastrophe so much dreaded. The awkward man will drop anything he tries to hand to a lady, stumbles over hassocks, opens windows when he should close them; to be brief, he is the terror of the ladies, for they know that he is liable to imperil their comfort in some unexpected manner at any moment. At the table he creates confusion and ill-concealed merriment, until the unfortunate cause is ready to fly forever from a scene where he is so out of place.

SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.

There is another class who are self-conscious This is as disagreeable as it is foolish. Those who have this fault are ever holding up the mirror to their own personality. When they converse, it is of self they are thinking. They never forget themselves fox an instant, and are always posing that others may admire. Their gaze is perpetually wandering to catch an expression of how they are valued. Such people impress one very unpleasantly. They are self-constituted "lions." They grow dogmatic, opinionated, and repel when they fancy they astonish.

SHYNESS DETRIMENTAL.

Every man can become a gentleman. And an acquaintance with the laws laid down for social etiquette is the shortest road to this end. Clearly then it is a duty the timid man owes to himself to conquer his weakness. A shy person will throw a restraint over a group of people, and cause the most sparkling conversation to, flag. It is impossible to became friendly and chatty with such an individual. He never thaws out. His presence will have the effect of dampening the pleasure of others, or else they become indifferent to him, and leave him to his own resources. This is unkind, for as we said before, the man or woman who is shy is painfully modest, and will go through life misunderstood and unappreciated. He needs the most delicate sympathy. He should be encouraged to talk, but it must be done in so careful a manner that he will not be conscious of your intent, else will his pride take alarm, and he will retreat from the field.

INHERITED BASHFULNESS.

Bashfulness is often an inheritance, and children who are its victims are not properly trained. The boy or girl who is sensitive should not be ridiculed by the more courageous brothers and sisters. Every opportunity should be given them to mingle with their elders. They should be taught dancing, gymnastics and all similar accomplishments. The physical grace and poise these impart to a youth, will extend to the mind as well, and give him confidence in his own ability. A youth thus educated, grows graceful – his carriage bespeaks a healthy dignity born of a freedom from pretense.

Take boys who are bashful into the parlor when guests are present, but do not force them into prominence. Watch them, but do not let them feel that they are the objects of solicitude, Leave them unconcerned and free from restraint. Present them quietly to the guests as if it were an everyday event, and leave them to wander through the rooms at their own pleasure. They will soon grow accustomed to their surroundings, and the feeling that nothing is expected of them will soon lead them to wonder why this is so. From wondering, they will commence examining self, then imitating others, and this silent training will soon show good effects in the outward demeanor.

DO NOT BECOME AFFECTED.

But it is, after all, so easy to be rid of bashfulness, the means are so plainly within reach, that we would impress upon a young man that he should guard against the opposite extreme – assuming an ease which is not felt; an affectation of well-bred indifference which becomes an impertinence, such as lounging in company, pretending to suppress a yawn, humming to oneself, staring blankly at people, or carelessly nodding to them. These "airs" are too transparent, and will never be mistaken for that familiarity with good society, which they would have us believe they possess.

A WORD OF ADVICE.

To the really shy we would say: Give close attention to what is going on around you; store your mind with the current thought of the day. Determine to make the best of every circumstance. Mingle with well-bred people. Social friction is absolutely necessary would you become polished. Do not be in .a hurry about anything. This is fatal to the highest politeness, Select a good model from among those who shine in society, and follow it. Goldsmith says – "People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after." Remember, that by patient effort alone can you cast aside that shyness which makes society and its demands so oppressive. We think that these words are fitting and timely:

"Let the shy man remember that people are not thinking about him nearly as much as he supposes,– they are all too busy thinking about- themselves. Let him especially avoid nervous, awkward tricks – playing with his cane or his hat or his watch-guard. If he can once learn to sit perfectly still, he has done a great thing, although he must beware of a repose that is too stiff, and he must not look as if he had been, frozen into one special attitude. We Americans are too nervous and too energetic to care to sit entirely, quiet for more than a very short time; and yet the ability to do so in company and malice prepense shows one has reached the high-water mark of good-breeding."