Youth's Educator For Home And Society

CHAPTER I.

VALUE OF ETIQUETTE – SNEERING AT ETIQUETTE.

IT is the practice with certain' people to sneer at the word "etiquette," and to claim that it merely means a foolish pandering to frivolous customs which in themselves have no meaning or use. This is a misapprehension which a little thoughtful consideration will remove.

Certain rules for the government of social, business and political life have been current for' generations, and have been handed down with almost unvarying exactitude, in all civilized lands. Such customs or laws, are grounded in good taste, a sense of the fitness of things, kindly feelings, and a mutual desire to smooth away the asperities and roughness which would prevail among so many persons of varying tastes and ideas, without a certain set of rules to help to this end.

A POLITE PERSON ADMIRED.

Who is not attracted toward a polite, well-bred person? Who does not carry with them, perhaps through life, the remembrance of some real gentleman or lady with whom they came in contact, at perhaps, an early period of their life? The pleasant memory such a person has left, and the agreeable impression, may unconsciously have had some influence upon their own life, and served as a model for their own behavior when launched into the society. which they wish to adorn.

To understand and cultivate the tenets laid down by good society, is not to assume airs, or does not prevent the recognition of the "rough diamond" that sometimes shines out from among those whose early advantages have not been many. Rather it adds a higher polish to that gem, and gives it a higher luster.

CERTAIN RULES.

Rules of etiquette have their allotted place among the forces of life, and must be acknowledged as moral agents in refining and making more agreeable our daily intercourse with each other. They are agents for good. They teach us to be more lenient with the various elements which compose society. Life is a sort of a partnership in which each human being has an interest; and the laws of etiquette, well enforced, oblige us to make concessions to the many tastes, prejudices and habits of those we meet in the social circle, at public entertainments, in business relations, or when traveling.

If the value of good breeding is in danger of being depreciated, it is only necessary to compare the impression which a gentle, pleasant demeanor leaves upon you, with the gruff, abrupt or indifferent carriage of those who affect to despise good manners. If two applicants for a position are equally capable, it is safe to assert that in every case, the agreeable and courteous seeker will obtain it in preference to the other, who is his equal in all respects, save that he is deficient in that suave dignity that charms all.

We are all susceptible to the charm of good manners. Indeed, society could not be maintained save for the usages of etiquette. But true etiquette must spring from a sincere desire to make every one around us feel at ease; a determination to exercise a thoughtful regard for the feelings of others. It is this patient forbearance with the eccentricities of all, which stamps the true lady or gentleman. It is a duty which each one owes to himself, to acquire certain rules for guidance, which shall make him a welcome guest in any circle.

WHAT ETIQUETTE IS.

Etiquette is not a servile yielding up of one's individuality, or cold formality. It is rather the beautiful frame which is placed around a valuable picture to prevent its being marred or defaced.

Etiquette throws a protection around the well-bred, keeping the coarse and disagreeable at a distance, and punishing those who violate her dictates, with banishment from the social circle.

MANNERS NECESSARY TO GOOD STANDING.

Manners are obligatory upon a man, and even more than that upon a woman. A man who is gentle, defers to others, listens respectfully to the aged, or to those who are inferior to him in position or intelligence, is liked by every one. His presence is a protection to women, his conversation is a wealth of pleasure, and all feel bettered by sharing his society. To be all this, he must be, as a well-known author says:

"The ideal gentleman is a clean man, body and soul. He acts kindly from the impulse of a kind heart. He is brave because with a conscience void of offense, he has nothing to fear. He is never embarrassed, for he respects himself and is profoundly conscious of right intentions. To preserve his self-respect he keeps his honor unstained, and to retain the good opinion of others he neglects no civility. He respects even the prejudices of honest men; opposes without bitterness, and yields without admitting defeat. He is never arrogant, and never weak. He bears himself with dignity, but never haughtily. Too wise to despise trifles, he is too noble to be mastered by them. To superiors he is respectful without servility; to equals courteous; to inferiors so kind that they forget their inferiority. He carries himself with grace in all places, is easy but never familiar, genteel without affectation. His quick perceptions tell him what to do under all circumstances, and he approaches a king with as much ease as he would display in addressing a beggar. He unites gentleness of manner with firmness of mind; commands with mild authority, and asks favors with persistent grace and assurance. Always well-informed and observant of events, but never pedantic, he wins his way to the head through the heart, by the shortest route, and keeps good opinions once won, because he deserves them."

But if a gentleman should be all this, how much more essential are good manners to a woman! A rude, loud-spoken, uncultured woman is a positive blot upon nature, and repels, by her lack of breeding, ' those who would not be slow to acknowledge the real worth and talent she possessed, and which would come to the surface, were she clothed in the beautiful garments of modesty, gentle speech and ease of manner. A lady should be quiet in her manners, natural and unassuming in her language, careful to wound no one's feelings, but giving generously and freely from the treasures of her pure mind to her friends. Scorning no one openly, but having a gentle pity for the unfortunate, the inferior and the ignorant, at the same time carrying herself with an innocence and single-heartedness which disarms ill nature, and wins respect and love from all. Such an one is a model for her sex; the "bright particular star" on which men look with reverence. The influence of such a woman, is a power for good which cannot be over-estimated.

Every young girl can become such a lady. Men strive to please and honor such women. Through them must come those refinements of manner and speech so necessary in society.

BEAUTY WORTHLESS WITHOUT BREEDING.

A woman may be gifted with great beauty, and may still be very unprepossessing, if she does not cultivate that knowledge of the laws of etiquette which will enable her to conduct herself so that she will not attract attention by her awkwardness and ignorance of forms. This fact is emphasized by the experience of every observer. It is a common saying that many a woman who has no personal charms to boast of, is much more fascinating than her more beautiful sisters, some of whom have depended entirely' upon their looks to please, forgetting that "Beauty is only skin-deep," and that the flower without perfume is not

admired, as is the less showy but fragrant blossom. Fine manners are the outward manifestations of an inward beauty that the world is quick to discern.

Society is held together, so to speak, by certain unchangeable laws, which bind its different members in one harmonious whole. When these laws are not observed through ignorance or indifference, how mortifying are the experiences of those who have committed a sin against good breeding. How earnestly they wish that they had known better!

COMPEL RESPECT.

To be mannerly and respectful, to know how to accept the amenities of social life and to return them in kind, is to compel respect and command an entrance into good society, And this can be attained by any one, rich or poor, in this broad land of ours, where the narrow distinctions of caste have not as yet secured a foothold, and where every man is as good as a king. Thus good manners become a practical lever with which to raise one in his daily life. Wealth needs their aid to give character and tone to their surroundings. The poor man needs them to assist him in finding a higher position, which shall be more independent.

Believing, then, in the intrinsic value of etiquette, we would say, in the words of another:

"The finest nature and the most generous impulses, cannot make graceful habits. It is only by acquaintance with the accepted customs of the most refined society, that the pain and humiliation of embarrassment is avoided. He who knows society at its best is easily master of himself in any lower level. Those have been bred in an atmosphere of intelligent refinement, and know no way but the right way, are happy, because mistakes to them are well nigh impossible, but the thousands in whose busy lives there has been time for little else than useful and honorable work, but whose ambition prompts them to self-culture, need not despair of mastering all necessary social forms, and acquiring the gentle courtesy which is the winning secret of the gently bred."